A Homicidal Maniac lives in Derry, Maine with his wife and two children.


So there I was, sitting down at my computer with my morning cappuccino after sending the lil’ maniacs off to school, when my eyes came upon this post at the forum AMG. It was by someone calling themselves “Bigshooter” and it said:

“It has been brought to my attention that it is not lawful to carry a firearm (even if licensed to do so) in Maine State Parks at certain times. This means that if a bad guy wants to go “People Hunting” in these areas, no legal, law abiding citizens will have the ability to defend themself or those around him.

“Gun Free Zones” [are] nothing more than “Free Killing Fields” for bad guys and there is no legit argument to allow them.”

After wiping the spewed expresso off my keyboard I decided to put my reactions down into words. Let me get this out of the way right now: I’m a people hunter. My daddy was a people hunter. My grand-daddy was a people hunter.  It’s been a family tradition as long anyone can remember. As a people hunter of some esteem, I really wish guys like Bigshooter would keep their darn tootin’ pie-holes quiet.

He is single-handedly ruining our family tradition. It just gets harder and harder for a traditional people-hunter like myself to find good people huntin’ grounds. What are you going to destroy next, Bigshooter? Apple pie?

For years I have thought of state parks as some of the best people huntin’ lands in Maine. If they suddenly allow people to carry guns in state parks, I don’t know where I’d go for people huntin’. I guess somewhere unarmed cowards like the hang out. Maybe a bike path? Coffee by Design?

Although to be fair, part of me is surprised they’ve kept those state parks gun-free as long as they have. Those places are simply death traps. Sometimes, I would go to one not even trying to commit any homicides but just couldn’t resist offing a few weak-wristed ninnies that didn’t have pistols tucked in their bathing trunks.

So Bigshooter, from one maniac to another, I say this: Let me be. I put a lot of time and effort into my murderous rampages, but this is getting ridiculous. People huntin’ should be hard, but not that hard. I don’t try to ruin your way of life, so please don’t ruin mine.

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A disclaimer for which I hope there is no need:  This piece is parody.  No persons are or will be hunted by the author, who is far more afraid of people thinking they can save us all from a gun-toting maniac than he is of actual gun-toting maniacs.

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