I received a mail over the AMGLOLZ transom yesterday. It read:
Please don’t let this thread pass without mockery.
What was the thead? It was a thread about conservative leaning celebrities. The first post was just a long list of people, some of whom I recognized and some of whom I didn’t. Most of them were has-beens and the women, shall we say, were all of a similar type. The email continued:
“Kathy Ireland!”
“Heather Locklear!”
“Rachel Hunter!”
That was a sampling of some of the names on the list. There were some other names listed who were not attractive women from the 80′s. The singer Meatloaf for one. Definitely not female and definitely not attractive.
Frankly, some of them are from before my time. I had to google Kathy Ireland. I admit it.
Others were just weird. Meatloaf? I don’t want Meatloaf on my team. Have you seen the music video for “Paradise by the Dashboard Light?” Who thought having a sweaty obese man in a fringy shirt making out with someone on stage would be a good idea? If you’ve never seen this before, I strongly suggest you don’t click that link. It is the anti-Viagra. Some scholars attribute the decline in the birthrate among all Western nations to that Meatloaf video.
But let us consider the women on the list. As the person who emailed me put it:
I believe these are answers from the discarded Jeopardy catagory “Relics From the 1993 Spank Bank.
It’s true. After Mr. Retired-Angry-White-Male AMGer watches video of Meatloaf making out, he is surely so aroused that he then boots up some old “Melrose Place” episodes to leer at Heather Locklear in her prime. Meanwhile, he is typing angry replies on the message board with one hand. Ever wonder why Melvin Udall is always so blunt and concise? It isn’t because he breaks the world down into simple, black and white equations. It is just hard to do anything else with only your left hand pecking away at keys.
Heather Locklear, like Meatloaf, is someone I wouldn’t really want on my team. But at least she fits my image of a conservative more closely than Meatloaf. Exhibit A: she was arrested on suspicion of prescription painkiller abuse à la Rush Limbaugh.
You can’t really be a Republican folk-hero until you’ve got a mugshot. Someday, a down-on-her-luck Sarah Palin is going to be arrested for something. Mark my words.
When some question the trend on the list towards older celebrities past their prime, one poster makes clear that he likes his women as sex objects.
I don’t know how old you are but, at my age, if Heather Locklear, Gloria Estefan, Janine Turner, Bo Derek or Cheryl Ladd were to walk into my room after 11 p.m. “to discuss politics” they would be welcomed and not considered has beens!
Yes, “to discuss politics.” I get creepy old man vibes all over just thinking about it. Maybe you could invite some Fox News anchormodels along too and have a political menage à trois? Be sure to bring the oxycontin.
Unfortunately, this thread is going to lead to Tim Wright being banned from AMG. He responded to AMGer Melvin Udall (a man with the opinions of The Distributist but lacking the flair and je ne said quoi), thusly:
You chose not to comment about the thread’s topic, you chose to insult me. Time after time, you contribute NOTHING to threads except to rip me, or others who don’t share your tiny, narrow, nasty world view. You must be a very tired, bitter, angry little man. I would pity you, except you’re beneath pity. You’re actually beneath contempt. You’re a piece of crap. Losing….you.
QED? F.U.
Looks like a great excuse to can your ass, Tim. It was fun while it lasted.
