I received a mail over the AMGLOLZ transom yesterday. It read:
Please don’t let this thread pass without mockery.
What was the thead? It was a thread about conservative leaning celebrities. The first post was just a long list of people, some of whom I recognized and some of whom I didn’t. Most of them were has-beens and the women, shall we say, were all of a similar type. The email continued:
“Kathy Ireland!”
“Heather Locklear!”
“Rachel Hunter!”
That was a sampling of some of the names on the list. There were some other names listed who were not attractive women from the 80′s. The singer Meatloaf for one. Definitely not female and definitely not attractive.
Frankly, some of them are from before my time. I had to google Kathy Ireland. I admit it.
Others were just weird. Meatloaf? I don’t want Meatloaf on my team. Have you seen the music video for “Paradise by the Dashboard Light?” Who thought having a sweaty obese man in a fringy shirt making out with someone on stage would be a good idea? If you’ve never seen this before, I strongly suggest you don’t click that link. It is the anti-Viagra. Some scholars attribute the decline in the birthrate among all Western nations to that Meatloaf video.
But let us consider the women on the list. As the person who emailed me put it:
I believe these are answers from the discarded Jeopardy catagory “Relics From the 1993 Spank Bank.
It’s true. After Mr. Retired-Angry-White-Male AMGer watches video of Meatloaf making out, he is surely so aroused that he then boots up some old “Melrose Place” episodes to leer at Heather Locklear in her prime. Meanwhile, he is typing angry replies on the message board with one hand. Ever wonder why Melvin Udall is always so blunt and concise? It isn’t because he breaks the world down into simple, black and white equations. It is just hard to do anything else with only your left hand pecking away at keys.
Heather Locklear, like Meatloaf, is someone I wouldn’t really want on my team. But at least she fits my image of a conservative more closely than Meatloaf. Exhibit A: she was arrested on suspicion of prescription painkiller abuse à la Rush Limbaugh.
You can’t really be a Republican folk-hero until you’ve got a mugshot. Someday, a down-on-her-luck Sarah Palin is going to be arrested for something. Mark my words.
When some question the trend on the list towards older celebrities past their prime, one poster makes clear that he likes his women as sex objects.
I don’t know how old you are but, at my age, if Heather Locklear, Gloria Estefan, Janine Turner, Bo Derek or Cheryl Ladd were to walk into my room after 11 p.m. “to discuss politics” they would be welcomed and not considered has beens!
Yes, “to discuss politics.” I get creepy old man vibes all over just thinking about it. Maybe you could invite some Fox News anchormodels along too and have a political menage à trois? Be sure to bring the oxycontin.
Unfortunately, this thread is going to lead to Tim Wright being banned from AMG. He responded to AMGer Melvin Udall (a man with the opinions of The Distributist but lacking the flair and je ne said quoi), thusly:
You chose not to comment about the thread’s topic, you chose to insult me. Time after time, you contribute NOTHING to threads except to rip me, or others who don’t share your tiny, narrow, nasty world view. You must be a very tired, bitter, angry little man. I would pity you, except you’re beneath pity. You’re actually beneath contempt. You’re a piece of crap. Losing….you.
QED? F.U.
Looks like a great excuse to can your ass, Tim. It was fun while it lasted.
Well, I will say in my defense, I felt better after typing it. Melvin Udall is such an a-hole. But you probably already knew that.
Oh lordy do I know it.
“Melvin Udall” was Jack Nicholson’s character in “As Good As It Gets.”. As a cranky old fart, I’m amazed that this AMG all-star did such a perfect job of self-characterization.
I wish I could edit my posts — I do not mean to say that I’m a “cranky old fart,”. That distinction belongs to Melvin Udall.
Sort of ironic he would choose such a liberal actor’s character as a user name.
@ AJ: I made it so comments can be edited for the first 15 minutes of their existence. But I’m afraid your admission that you are a cranky old fart is going to still be around when future archaeologists recover the ancient remains of this webserver.
Well, this cranky old fart takes umbrage at the term “spanking it.” I far prefer the more gentle, yet fully descriptive “shaking hands with the unemployed.”
At least you aren’t calling it something really disgusting like a Santorum.
“You contribute NOTHING to threads” is code for “I don’t like your positions.”
“You must be a very tired, bitter, angry little man. I would pity you, except you’re beneath pity. You’re actually beneath contempt. You’re a piece of crap. Losing….you.” is just another elderly tottering guy who has nothing to do but shoot out what they believe are zingers to those they disagree with.
Can’t you just see him, nodding approvingly, chuckling, and saying, “That’ll show ‘em!” as he hits the SEND key? And then shouting into the other room, “Mabel? Where did you put the Depends?”
The best left – leaning posters contribute original thought. Chris L’Hommidieu (the Lewiston Liberal) and Wingman brought a lot to the table. Tim is bright. Good sense of humor and thick skin. He just needs a touch of originality and a bit more research.
John–Funny, that’s what my (former) employer always told me!
Face if…left leaning AMG posters tend to disappear, regardless of how civil they are.
You libs always sound jealous whenever someone besides you hippies is caught dipping into your drug supply.
Wow, that comment was almost intelligible.
I think I would disagree with pfbonney, if I understood the point.
I take it that your parents concealed the fact that it was the counter-cultural liberal left of the 1960′s that brought in moral permissiveness, to include consumption of mind-altering drugs. Back in the day, you were known as “dope-smoking hippies”, who often lived in communes, with communal marriages (that is, several men being married to several women, simultaneously). The term “hippies”, as I remember Time magazine explaining, probably came from the fact that many of you “laid around on your hips” most of the time, perpetuating the image of you being lazy back then, too.
So my point was (in my earlier post), that in spite of the fact that it was the political left that “legitimized” (at least in your view) drug abuse, I find you still get upset when Republicans are found to be abusing drugs. Since you’re apparently okay with the concept, the only reason that I can see as to why you are upset with this is because you perceive Republicans to be wrongly consuming your drugs, creating shortages, driving up prices, acting in a manner reserved for the liberal elites, etc.
I hope this explains.
Still not getting it. Must be Flammenwerfer under a different name.
I was right! I do disagree. But thanks, at least, for making it understandable.
I’m against drug abuse by persons of any political persuasion, and I don’t know what exactly I wrote that led you to believe the ideas you attribute to me in your comment.
I also don’t know if you believe I am a hippie, but I get the sense you do. In my defense I have never lived in a commune, have been married to only one woman in my entire life (which is approximately 1.5 fewer than the average Republican politician) and I work to pay my mortgage. Oh, and I’ve never tried any drug other than alcohol.
But other than that, you’re spot on.
And Tim, it isn’t Flammenwerfer. Waaay too concise.
Perry, what a cogent arguement, but so riddled with false stereotypes as to be rendered totally invalid and meaningless. Even Flammenrectum could do better.
Hippies? Seriously? What’s next, a historically inaccurate dissertation on Bohemians? Punk Rockers? Slackers? I know, let’s discuss the evolution of the 1920′s flapper into the modern day woman. The term “flapper”, as I remember some magazine explaining, probably came from the fact that many women “flapped their gums” about wanting to be more than just subservient to men, perpetuating the image of them being uppity back then, too.
I hope this confuses.
tim wright, amglolz and Average Joe “got it”. Disagreed with every word of it, but understood it once I spelled it out. It must be you. And, no, I’m not Flammenwerfer. My only other “alias” is “pfbonney” which I created to counter an (apparently) temporary log-in problem.
Average Joe, “riddled with false stereotypes as to be rendered totally invalid and meaningless”? I was born in 1958 – I remember those years quite well – I am not far off the mark. By no means are all Democrats hippies, but it was the political left (and not the political right) that started the counterculture with its permissiveness including illicit drug use. I was referencing the “Exhibit A: she was arrested on suspicion of prescription painkiller abuse à la Rush Limbaugh.” comment. As I replied to the resulting email from your comment, statistics show that people incarcerated for drug-related crimes lean Democratic. My post may have not been perfect, but it is valid and meaningful. I stand by my remark in the broader sense (since I don’t know you personally).
And Flea, yes it confuses. Like your response to my much earlier post on “TRACI G: BRUNSWICK, MAINE = THE NEXT AUSCHWITZ” (“and in a cruel twist of irony, both states got smarter when you moved.”), your posts continue to be cryptic enough so as to be ambiguous. And confusing. Your mission: Accomplished.
Finally, amglolz, I do commend your stance on drug abuse. Obviously, my comment cannot apply to you personally, as I implied. I would, no doubt, do better explaining if I was forced to articulate whether I was speaking to the individual and not the masses. I never did expect to get so much mileage as I did from my original seventeen-word post, particularly from such a dated thread. Your members (I’m assuming that this is your blog) are spunky. Well done. Should I get my head handed to me sometime, that’s part of the game. I won’t always get my facts straight.
And it would be boring if we all thought the same.
“and in a cruel twist of irony, both states got smarter when you moved.”
I don’t necessarily agree, but I believe Flea is implying that you are not as smart as the average Mainer, but smarter than the average Texan.