AMGer “Flammenwerfer,” also known as John Frary, is once again writing for a local newspaper. His first column, a “triumph,” according to As Maine Goes, is now available online at the Kennebec Journal.

John Frary employs a particular writing style known as “waterboarding via language.” It is used by college freshman, unpublished wannabe writers, and John Frarys all around the world to simulate complex thinking by using lots of extra words to say almost nothing at all.

It can be fun to read but takes a lot of time. In service to those readers who wish to keep up with Mr. Frary’s column but avoid all that needlessly wasted time sorting through extra nouns, verbs and general literary masturbation, I am going to provide a weekly translation of Mr. Frary’s columns.

My translations will be short and to the point. I won’t use more words to get Mr. Frary’s point across than is absolutely necessary. Think of it as a tool that allows you read John Frary without having to get a babysitter for the kids.

Here is the first translated column:

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Facts, liberal fantasies, and conservative bias.

by John Frary of Farmington

Hi. I write a column now. I’m conservative. I want to mention Will Rogers, John Locke, and Margaret Thatcher because they sound good, even though you’ve probably seen these same quotes over a hundred times in your life.

You can write to me. I doubt I’ll care.

Bye.

****

There it is! Tune in next week for the latest translation from our favorite wordsmith word-carpet-bomber.