You know that Paul LePage and Libby Mitchell are the party candidates for Governor. But, you ask, what about all the AMGers running for various offices around the state? Why doesn’t someone compile a quick list of how they all did on Tuesday?
Do not worry, fellow political junkies, your wish is granted.
1. RUSSELL PACK: Russ Pack burst onto the Maine political scene with perhaps the best worst website in Maine political history. It did improve over time, but he sought and received a Ray Richardson endorsement which is, as we all know, the kiss of death in Maine politics. He lost his primary challenge 58% – 42%.
2. TRACI GAUTHIER: Traci G’s claim to fame lies mostly in her belief that expanding the Downeaster train to Brunswick was somehow similar to the Nazis using trains to carry out genocide. I wonder how she feels about the Great Tea Party Aroostook Train Bailout of 2010? She was unopposed in her primary and will face State Senator Elizabeth Schneider.
3. BOB EMRICH: Bob Emrich lost his primary race narrowly, by less than 30 votes. Mr. Emrich is, of course, that pastor dude from the gay marriage debate last fall. Seems like a nice guy but waaaaay too concerned about stopping dudes from making out with each other.
4. JARODY: Jarody lost his race for the Republican nomination in Augusta, but he still got 124 votes. I’ll assume one was Jarody voting for himself. Who the fuck are the other 123 people? I don’t think Jarody’s mom should even vote for him. I’m serious. Where do these people come from that think the one-named wonder belongs anywhere but pushing scrap metal uphill in shopping carts?
5. SCOTT FISH, a.k.a. THE EDITOR: No, Scott Fish wasn’t running for anything. But he was a paid consultant for the Abbott campaign, earning thousands of dollars for “consulting.” What the hell do you consult Scott Fish about?
“Hey, Scott, I’ve got this thing where I’m running for Governor. What do you think about that?”
“Well, I’ve had good luck with this neato invention called the internet. It’s cool. You write stuff, and put it on a ‘computer’ and then other people with ‘computers’ can read what you wrote.”
“Wow, Scott, that sounds like a great idea! Here’s $1200 for the five minutes you spent dreaming that up. I’ll give you another $1200 dollars every few weeks from here on in, and then when I lose you can add consulting on my campaign to your long resume of failed attempts at getting people elected.”
“Hey, Steve, that hurts. I did work on the Yes on 1 gay marriage campaign last year and we won that!”
“Yeah, you managed to convince 3% more of Maine voters than necessary to keep marriage the way it has been for as long as they’ve been alive. That’s real tough. What’s next, are you going to barely win a campaign asking people to not stop eating chocolate? Will that look great on your frickin’ resume too?”
“Fuck you, Steve.”
There were other AMGers out there that won too, like Jon McKane. But they’re boring.